True Man – A Journey into Wholeness
Last week I was invited into a group on facebook, only for men. The group is a space for sharing with men. In this group, one of the members asked the other men to share about their perspective on manhood and what it means to be a “real man”.
Lately, I have been reflecting a great deal on this and I feel inspired to share with you about my journey for the last two years.
Looking in the mirror
Two years ago I found myself leaving a long term, loving relationship. I was blessed to share my time with an amazing woman for almost 8 years. We had grown apart and I was no longer able to be with her because I felt we no longer shared and cared for the same things. I felt we could no longer be together and meet in what had become more and more important for me in my life, which was a search for spirit and void.
At least that was the main reason I told myself. When I look back today I can see that it was not the only reason. I was struggling to meet the aspects of my self she was reflecting back to me. I was struggling to meet, and did not have the full capacity to hold, the divine feminine in love.
We broke up and I definitely feel it was the right choice for me, because this decision led to a much deeper dive into my essence. Deep experiences and a much deeper seeing into non-existence and void led me to realise that I had to meet aspects of my self that I had shut off for most of my life.
Because of inherited wiring from both my parents, because of deep wounds and traumas, I had been reaching for the light to such an extent, that it had cut me off from deep feeling and thus being aware of a whole dimension of my own being. It was not that I did not experience any feelings, far from it. I have always been very sensitive, but I discovered that I carried a lot of judgement around for certain feelings. I could not meet and hold these aspects of myself.
The Inner Man Meets the Divine Feminine
After a longer solitary retreat with silence, yoga, meditation and a deep call for God, I felt empowered in such a profound way that I initiated a journey into the darkness. I felt called to explore my shadow side, my fears, wounds and traumas. On an intuitive level my being knew that this work needed to happen in order for me to go deeper in love. From then, things seemed to move very fast as if something was just waiting for the initiation. I was invited to feel my inner man. This inner man is directly connected to the flesh, as in the body, as in the earth itself. When we are born into matter we are also invited to feel and love Her, the divine feminine. She is God in form. Only through feeling everything with no preference between pain, pleasure, brokenness and non brokenness will she open up to us. She will reveal all her darkness; all your darkness. When there is no preference there is love for Her. If there is preference it is the same as rejecting her, and thus saying no to loving Her. She will then close Herself. This is something I am indeed still learning.
Short after the initiation into Her, the universe guided me to work with a woman, to work with Naseem, that is now my beloved partner. We made vows to put truth first and to commit to each other as long as it serves the purpose of truth and our own evolution. The power of pure intention, truth and Man/Woman soon became obvious to us. This work is very beautiful, challenging and extremely transformative.
We both felt a deep pull towards each other and towards truth. We asked for truth no matter the costs. She made it possible for me to become aware of deeper and deeper wounds. Like layers of an onion, everything peeled off that before could only exist around that wound. It has been an extremely painful, challenging and heart breaking journey for both of us and death has been met again and again. Each time we die, we dive deeper together. We have to let go, we have to allow the fire to burn what is not true and dare to be naked and vulnerable.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open up to love, we let the light shine upon parts of us that have been in darkness for as long as we can remember. It is painful but necessary in order to become Whole as Humans, as Man and as Woman. The vulnerability is absolutely key for opening deeper.
As a man, (identifying with the masculine) I have to meet and bow to the divine feminine again and again. I have felt so much hatred to her and so much fear of her. Fear to lose control. This is deeply engrained in the masculine. The feminine works in a completely non linear way. She works with a logic, which is hidden from me and it has really pissed me off, challenged me and made me furious. It´s been a real struggle and I have had to face the arrogance of the masculine many times, (and is still) which is only possible in humbleness. In my partner I see and experience a direct manifestation of Her and thus I have struggled and hated her, closed down again and again, as I could not surrender to Her in my own being. I have also opened up again and again and closed again and again. In the dance of attraction and retraction, opening and closing, we dive deeper together; we make love and disappear into each other’s vastness. We meet fullness and we meet emptiness, I die, I become Shiva.
What defines a True Man?
For me it has become obvious that a True Man is a Man that has met the Divine Feminine in himself. A Man that can hold all his pain and deep wounds with love. This Man will be able to embrace Shakti fully. He rests in himself and is not afraid of the constant dance and movement that is life itself. He knows and feels he is that too. He knows there is no separation, even though he rests in his masculine essence; Death, Stillness and Non Existence. Only when Man and Woman both rest as Whole human beings can they truly meet in the Heart. There will be no more projections, no ideas or romantic dreams. They are carrying them self in a container of Truth. They understand the wounding that plays out between people, they have grown to embody compassion as they no longer judge them self or others but care deeply.
This work takes time and there is no grand final ceremony that concludes the process. It is an ongoing and deepening journey of compassion and love.
This article is dedicated to my mother Mari-Anne, my beloved partner Naseem, my janitor Aisha and to Mother Earth to whom I am eternal grateful.
In humbleness and service, Sol